i want to write fanfic before bed, so this is my wamr up writing.

my work is as a freelance artist, in the way where i sell fan merch and original merch designs online and at conventions. about a year ago, i very drastically changed the type of art i did and my 'style', which is something i want to get into in more detail another time. however, when i'm particularly focused on the Work aspect of drawing, i am always reminded of why i decided to change my public facing art so much.

more and more, i find that there is an unspoken rule amongst people who do this as a job, letting the rigid and predudiced rules of society seep into a space made up of people who mostly cannot force themselves into that at all. showing the world your artwork, and the feelings expressed in that work, is not enough. you need to sell something scrubbed clean of personal interest, of negativity, of anything scary or strange. i was pulled into this for a long time. my professional art for years was nothing but storybook art devoid of my real personality, made up of tropes found on social media art tags. but, squeaky clean, trendy art is not enough.

putting yourself forward with just your hard work is not enough. you need to sell it with a pretty face, admirable fashion, an energetic voice. you need to film a video, and you need to make sure your face is in the first frame, so people want to watch the ideal, conventionally attractive, skinny artist behind the pictures. it doesn't matter if you aren't skilled, your face and bubbly personality will sell it for you. you need to do your makeup, you need to find an angle that slims your face, you need to make sure you are expressionate enough. you need to smile, you can't 'have a face like a smacked arse'.

all to be an artist. i like it when my work can speak for itself, people can enjoy it and get excited about it without encouragement from a person perfect in the eyes of society, which i am not. but it's always in the back of my mind - this is what pays my bills and ensures i will not be thrown out on the street with nowhere to go, of course - that everyone would like my work more if there was a pretty girl or a handsome guy or maybe it doesn't even matter, just that that i'm funny and quotable. they need a face to put to the art! aren't you working towards being an 'influencer'? the art is only an avenue to break into that, right?

i'd like to use this blog as a way to summarise each month as well as post other updates. so, a week or so late, but i'll start with a september 2025 summary ^^

i started this month feeling pretty rough, and i had a convention to table at in the first week of the month. it was in scotland, and although i love visiting scotland, i really did not feel up to it until the first morning of the con got started...it's a long journey to get there and i felt out of it and kind of sad until checking into the hotel and getting ready for bed.

the actual convention ended up being really good, though. i always really like going to scotland and this was no exception once my mood improved ^^ everyone is so friendly and i made a decent amount of money. the new things i had made for the con were well recieved. oh, i forgot to say, we had to rush order keychains from china to arrive to the hotel so they would be there in time for the con, which was really stressful, and i forgot a couple of designs, but it all worked out fine...thank god.

as it's such a long journey, we stayed one more day after the con, and went out for sushi on sunday night ^^ i was totally exhausted and almost didn't go, but i was glad i did. i went with my friends and mutuals from con, we had quite a big group and it was a lot of fun. i had a sushi platter shared with my friend and pork ramen, i don't usually like meat but i took a risk and unfortunately had to end up giving the meat to my friend ;; but the broth was nice. the sushi was definitely the highlight, though.

after that, the rest of the month is a bit hazy...i still didn't feel my best for a lot of reasons. between then and the end of october was time to prepare for one of the biggest cons of the year, and i have complex feelings on it as i did not get a table or offered a waitlisted one, but i am able to share with a friend. despite the fact it is 99% likely it's randomly chosen, i always have to wonder what i am doing wrong to not get my own table. oh well, i'm still lucky to be able to go. i guess the rest of september was starting to crunch for that, and finishing off my computer themed book. i'm glad the book is finally finished.

i started and completed silent hill 2 for the first time (ps2). this is one of the most overall high quality experiences with a game i've had in a long time...i really enjoyed every aspect of it. every part of the game contributed to the narrative and atmosphere in a detailed and well crafted way and i always came away with a lot to think about after each session. i think the visuals are beautiful. i love a mundane location, but something is just now quite right.