ok, art and creativity aside, i wanted to still write a normal november update ^^ i have really been trying to take some time off to engage with hobbies and discover new things, because i think that is really helpful not just for your sanity but also when it comes to creative projects...experiencing other peoples works and expanding your hobbies just enriches your life and knowledge of yourself more. this has had its pros and cons, i am a very routine and deadline reliant person so i found that without something routine and regular to hang on to, things that would bother me would affect me way more. a few things momentarily had me really upset this month and the listlessness from not knowing what i was going to do day to day really did not help to alleviate it.

more baking

to try and use up the molasses i bought before for brownies, as well as wanting to make more brownies i tried out these molasses cookies. this made A LOT!!! of dough! and i only have one tray to bake them in the oven on lol. for my first batch, i chilled the dough for the minimum recommended amount, and they really melted and went flat in the oven still. i took them out of the oven a little too early because i was worried about the thin edges from where they went flat going hard and burning. they were extremely soft and gooey, they tasted nice but were a little hard to eat (sticky) and stuck together when stored. for the second batch, i left them in the oven longer, and were chilled overnight, and while they still went flat and a bit cake like they were slightly better...i still have a lot of dough left so i should bake that today before it goes bad (unless it has already oops!!!!). i think my baking powder is out of date and that might be why they did not rise and have the right consistency >.o.
i also made no bake chocolate oatmeal bars to take to the convention last weekend as fibre and energy from oats and peanut butter is important for events...these are YUMMY and survived being jostled around in my bag and left in the con hall overnight. i recommend these!! buying fibre bars like this are always expensive so i'm glad i took the time to make some, they taste like the nicer expensive ones but probably cost the same amount to make like 10+ bars and they were really fast to make too.

drawing for fun

finally, finally i have found myself enjoying drawing again as i have been strict with myself and not forced myself to draw, or primarily for any work related project, apart from already decided deadlines. i got really interested in the idea of designing moe gijinkas for london underground trains, lol, and as i started to research and design i had so many thoughts i decided to compile my thoughts and processes into a free online zine as well as making the final designs for the girls. i'm being really harsh with myself on this one, as i want to print the zines and designs too, not to water down my ideas and written annotations to appeal to certain people who may see it, and refusing to post it in most public online spaces, it will be for an irl and more relaxed online audiences only. here are a couple of sketches...elizabeth [line]-tan and dlr-tan respectively.

aside from this project, i also found it really relaxing to unwind painting the hinako silent hill f painting i added to 'drawings' before bed, and i started another painting just for fun, too, with many more ideas forming...! how exciting.

bjd

i've wanted a bjd doll for a while now, even just a store bought blind box one, and i found a couple i really liked on sale recently, so i went ahead and got them as a reward for surviving the big con in london in october lol...here are photos of them both. i chose the specific design for the nurse/maid girl and chose a blind box for the dogboy...he was my second choice of who i would want to get (excluding the rare design) :3

the girl is a little hard to pose unfortunately but her design is sooo cute....the guy is really good quality however and he poses and moves really well. he can even sit down and pose while sitting. i love them both and i can see myself getting really into collecting these...in fact i actually bought one more of a different series at the convention >.o it is an uncanny feeling having to dress them up and change their expressions and hand poses lol, it feels like i am putting together a robot.

next i think i want to try and get into mecha musume. i found out about the 30minute mission and 30 minute sisters lines which are actually really affordable and i'd like to grab some of those soon. i always like things to do with model making so i think it would be an engaging hobby for me, and they are soooo cute...

although there is a month left in the year, the last convention of the year just finished, which made me think about my feelings on viewing, creating and interpreting art.

while i said this is a summary of the year 2025, the story starts earlier, to provide context. about a year and a half ago i completely and suddenly changed a lot about the visual art i make. as illustration is my job, a lot of what i make is also for work, whether that is for merch design, self publishing, commissions, or anything else. for a long time (late 2019 onwards) i fell into the trap of purely appealing to trends and what was popular, after some drawings i did of some anthro animals bringing in a lot of commissions of people asking for similar pieces. i enjoy art of anthro animals, and i enjoy art of nature and kitschy interpretations of mundane objects and food, but this very quickly led me into drawing nothing but 'cottagecore' themed commissions of pets and anthro animals. at that time, commissions were the best way for me to work as an illustrator, so i really tried to lean into this by making every illustration i made for any other purpose themed in this same way.

fast forward a couple of years and i am still doing this, but there is no longer an interested audience and i am rapidly becoming disillusioned with my art and frankly really disliking it, drawing the same things in the same style in desperation to get the same commission and merch sale successes i did before. i realised i really did not like people associating words like 'cosy' and 'cute' with me, as that is not how i view myself or my personality or interests. there's rarely, if EVER, been a time in my life when i am drawn to 'cosy' stories and presenting myself in a cutesy way. i don't want to put myself in another box by describing just how polar opposite i actually am, but lol.

on top of this, whenever i visited a convention as an artist alley vendor, i would find myself becoming very tired browsing the other artist alley tables and seeing nothing but 'cottagecore' cutesy drawings of frogs and other animals and pieces with trite phrases, overused jokes, or surface level motivational quotes written on them. the things i would personally like to see and purchase were very different! then i realised...the things i disliked were EXACTLY what i was making and displaying on my table. and the fact that i was finding drawing a chore, and that i was getting no customers, started to really make sense. (no one else wanted to see even more of this either).

around this time a couple of years ago, the topics of censorship and a resurgence of conservative ideals amongst young people started to become regularly discussed. while i have some personal reasons for not wanting to fully express my interests and feelings via the art i make public, i came to understand that smoothed over, squeaky clean, cute artwork depicting idealised countryside life is just playing into the idea that artwork and media and stories has to be fully sanitised and family friendly so it can be sold to as many people as possible just to generate money. this is not something i agree with at all. ever since becoming more aware of this, i have made an extra effort to engage with as much creative work as possible and pick out what makes me connect with something. of course, it is the pieces that depict real and raw experiences and emotions, even if those are considered taboo or are depicted via shocking or extreme metaphors. i want to know how people feel!

this combined with the increase in people treating working as an artist like a social media or marketing job, using their conventionally attractive appearances and ways of communicating to sell their work without challenging anything that i have spoken about before, made me just snap and decide to make some illustrations just of things i like, to see what happens.

of course fanart prints and acrylic goods are not the hard hitting emotional works i admire and seek out. however, channeling what i personally enjoy seeing in illustration for print plus using subject matters of characters and works that are very important to me was refreshing and an opening into progress with my work. receiving positive responses to my new illustrations was very fulfilling and i could feel like i was connecting to people who feel similiarly to me and see life in the same way, even if the pieces were not exactly about that.

now we've arrived at now, the year 2025. after the revelation that i was holding myself back and going against my own ideals and opinions, i felt so much better about making art and showing it to a convention audience. however, as this year progressed, i found myself falling into a few NEW toxic habits and processes with specifically merch design...i ended up trying to rush as much new art as possible for every event just to be able to say i had drawn a lot of things. i didn't put much thought or time into them, i just wanted a high quantity of artwork on the table. this also goes against what i believe in! as my understanding and intereptation of art grew, i became unhappy with these drawings as there was absolutely nothing behind them except me being a little money hungry. this is what i want to be aware of going into the next year, and only make things with clear intention and thought behind them, even if at the end of the day, they are merchandise designs because that is how i pay the bills. i want to make more works that show my feelings and emotions, even if that means i do not feel comfortable showing them in public online spaces. i really need to lean into what REALLY interests me in visual art and not keep falling into the trap of drawing something just for the sake of it, because guess what! i am not happy with those pieces, and they are not as well received by the audience. customers and viewers are not stupid.

something else that has furthered my understanding of what i seek out in creative work this year has been writing and publishing fanfiction. yes it feels cringe but i have been using this hobby as a way to truly express how i interpret stories and characters, and how that relates to my real life experiences, past, relationships, mental health, etc....it has felt very freeing once i stop being embarassed and i have learnt a lot about myself via writing.

the last thing i want to say is that despite the complaints and issues, it is very possible to support yourself via artwork. do not believe people being doomer about it and go out and visit an artist alley or exhibition or illustration event (NOT A CRAFT FAIR!!!!) and see how much people love art.

i'm trying to take some time off and get back into hobbies and learn new things. as soon as i was able, i rushed to the store to get baking supplies for 3 new recipes. i didn't manage to get the exact perfect ingredients but if i didn't take advantage of the motivation immediately i wouldn't have made them lol. over the last 2 weeks, i made all 3 recipes! i used to like baking a lot as a methodical task that enabled me to think through things without interferance and also to take a break from the computer. i find it really effective and you get a tasty treat at the end. a fair few times i have been angry and upset and felt way better after baking.

lime and coconut crinkle cookies

i love lime flavour but these did not hit...i wasn't expecting to get the crackle effect but they cooked really doughy and the flavour was both too mild and too sharp at the same time. i can see it being good, but i wasn't able to get the exact same type of flvaourings the recipes said, so i suppose those were required to stop it being so dull but with a weird aftertaste...i still have some of these left. i don't want them to go to waste, but they weren't what i expected, i think it was mostly my mistake with the ingredients ;-;

gingerbread brownies

AMAZING!!!!!! i was a little discouraged by the cookies but these turned out sooo good. usually i find making 2 seperate doughs a little frustrating and time consuming but these were easy enough it was fine. i also hadn't made anything with molasses before, but i thought i would give it a try just to see what it tasted like. the molasses flavour in the gingerbread WAS a little stronger than i'd like, but it was no problem once mixed with the brownie. the brownie dough was PERFECT!!! with brownies i always take them out the oven just a little bit before you think you should and this worked exactly as planned. they were the perfect soft fudgy texture with the extra flavour from the gingerbread. i ate them so quick and my roommate liked them too. i definitely recommend!! i will be making again!!

banana cake with coffee frosting

i JUST made this so my impression are based on it freshly made. i think i should have kept the cake in the oven just a little longer (my rule with banana bread, but it's been so long i didn't want to risk it) and it kind of just tastes like and has the texture of banana bread. this isn't bad, but i wanted something new!! the frosting is really tasty but right now it's really runny and a bit hard to eat. i'll see what a night in the fridge does to it, but i think this will have to be eaten in a bowl with a fork. tbh, i think it would go better with a coffee or spiced cake!! i will consider mixing together two recipes in the future...

october is always a stressful month. one of the biggest conventions of the year is at the end of the month, so the whole time building up to it is full of crunch, crunch induced health issues and unstable emotions, and grievances over the event.

i'm not one to get lost in nostalgia or wishing for things to be like the past, generally i think life is far better as you get older and are more financially independent and can make your own choices, but i find myself wishing for the times when my career and personal friendships were not so intertwined. it's hard to explain, but i don't like feeling like a friendship may be affected from a petty stress induced argument over work, which literally decides if you can pay rent that month. i wish it didn't feel so high stakes. i wish we could still see it as a fun trip with the bonus of a bit of a paycheck at the end. but what would the alternative be to make it like that? rotting with no personal income in an environment that ruins my will to live, or feeling similar trapped in retail? i would still rather take the freelance neet option...

it also makes me want to disappear just a bit online. i hate instagram. i hate having so many eyes of people i want out of my life watching me and carefully cutting out so many parts of myself i don't want them to see for public comsumption. i hate that a lot of people i would like to be friends with only communicate on there. this has spread to my more persobnal spaces like tumblr...i feel guilty and anxious if i reblog or make a post when i have unread dms i am too tired to deal with or i simply do not know what to say. i want to become a ghost for a little while to those who i do not want to see me.

so, i'm taking some time off. i will not draw for work, i will not post on work social media, i will engage with my hobbies and learn things!! it is frustarting when all anyone around me can talk about is their successful posts and such things, it makes me sad, and makes it more clear to me that i DO NOT want to become like that. its time to take a month just for fun

on a less gloomy and cryptic note, i started playing silent hill f. i finished the first playthrough route just as the month ended, as i type this in early november i'm currently playing ng+. here are the thoughts on the first playthrough copied from backloggd:

'i'm currently playing new game+, i want to record my thoughts so far... there are some moments where the storytelling and atmosphere in this game really shine, and it makes me excited to continue. i actually really like the journal entries aspect of the storytelling as it shows you how hinako herself feels about each subject - accurate or not to reality, it informs you of her situation and her feelings without interferance from the plot, other characters, or your own assumptions and feelings. it helps to build her as a main character, which is important for a story like this. however, many times, i felt let down by how so many of these atmospheric and interesting scenes felt like they had to constrain themselves within the boundaries of the mechanics of an Action Video Game. character development and subtle implications are ruined by clunky boss fights, and the atmosphere is ruined because in an action game you need to run around attacking a strong enemy who repeats unsubtle battle cries at you as this is what the modern day audience expects, right? tense atmosphere that suits the narrative falls flat when you are stopped mid-chase and blocked off in order to fight a hoard of tanky enemies. and then the same will happen 30 seconds later.... i don't think the combat is hard, despite third person action games being a gameplay style i usually dislike and avoid. i simply think it gets in the way of a story that could be far more subtlely impactful and emotional without a checklist of action gameplay staples that really pull you out of the experience. i will update once i have reached the true ending and seen all the main endings~

i want to write fanfic before bed, so this is my wamr up writing.

my work is as a freelance artist, in the way where i sell fan merch and original merch designs online and at conventions. about a year ago, i very drastically changed the type of art i did and my 'style', which is something i want to get into in more detail another time. however, when i'm particularly focused on the Work aspect of drawing, i am always reminded of why i decided to change my public facing art so much.

more and more, i find that there is an unspoken rule amongst people who do this as a job, letting the rigid and predudiced rules of society seep into a space made up of people who mostly cannot force themselves into that at all. showing the world your artwork, and the feelings expressed in that work, is not enough. you need to sell something scrubbed clean of personal interest, of negativity, of anything scary or strange. i was pulled into this for a long time. my professional art for years was nothing but storybook art devoid of my real personality, made up of tropes found on social media art tags. but, squeaky clean, trendy art is not enough.

putting yourself forward with just your hard work is not enough. you need to sell it with a pretty face, admirable fashion, an energetic voice. you need to film a video, and you need to make sure your face is in the first frame, so people want to watch the ideal, conventionally attractive, skinny artist behind the pictures. it doesn't matter if you aren't skilled, your face and bubbly personality will sell it for you. you need to do your makeup, you need to find an angle that slims your face, you need to make sure you are expressionate enough. you need to smile, you can't 'have a face like a smacked arse'.

all to be an artist. i like it when my work can speak for itself, people can enjoy it and get excited about it without encouragement from a person perfect in the eyes of society, which i am not. but it's always in the back of my mind - this is what pays my bills and ensures i will not be thrown out on the street with nowhere to go, of course - that everyone would like my work more if there was a pretty girl or a handsome guy or maybe it doesn't even matter, just that that i'm funny and quotable. they need a face to put to the art! aren't you working towards being an 'influencer'? the art is only an avenue to break into that, right?

i'd like to use this blog as a way to summarise each month as well as post other updates. so, a week or so late, but i'll start with a september 2025 summary ^^

i started this month feeling pretty rough, and i had a convention to table at in the first week of the month. it was in scotland, and although i love visiting scotland, i really did not feel up to it until the first morning of the con got started...it's a long journey to get there and i felt out of it and kind of sad until checking into the hotel and getting ready for bed.

the actual convention ended up being really good, though. i always really like going to scotland and this was no exception once my mood improved ^^ everyone is so friendly and i made a decent amount of money. the new things i had made for the con were well recieved. oh, i forgot to say, we had to rush order keychains from china to arrive to the hotel so they would be there in time for the con, which was really stressful, and i forgot a couple of designs, but it all worked out fine...thank god.

as it's such a long journey, we stayed one more day after the con, and went out for sushi on sunday night ^^ i was totally exhausted and almost didn't go, but i was glad i did. i went with my friends and mutuals from con, we had quite a big group and it was a lot of fun. i had a sushi platter shared with my friend and pork ramen, i don't usually like meat but i took a risk and unfortunately had to end up giving the meat to my friend ;; but the broth was nice. the sushi was definitely the highlight, though.

after that, the rest of the month is a bit hazy...i still didn't feel my best for a lot of reasons. between then and the end of october was time to prepare for one of the biggest cons of the year, and i have complex feelings on it as i did not get a table or offered a waitlisted one, but i am able to share with a friend. despite the fact it is 99% likely it's randomly chosen, i always have to wonder what i am doing wrong to not get my own table. oh well, i'm still lucky to be able to go. i guess the rest of september was starting to crunch for that, and finishing off my computer themed book. i'm glad the book is finally finished.

i started and completed silent hill 2 for the first time (ps2). this is one of the most overall high quality experiences with a game i've had in a long time...i really enjoyed every aspect of it. every part of the game contributed to the narrative and atmosphere in a detailed and well crafted way and i always came away with a lot to think about after each session. i think the visuals are beautiful. i love a mundane location, but something is just now quite right.